公众号 | 微博 尤子缘】
我在ICU的第一天很痛苦，但是多亏了NHS（National Health Service英国国民健康保险制度）的工作人员，他们出色的治疗救了我的命，现在我可以稍微走动一点了。我对他们感激不尽。我欠他们一条命。”
The Queen Elizabeth II: Darling, are you alright now?
Boris Johnson: (Coughing) Thanks for asking, your Majesty! It's such a great honour to have you here to visit me in person. Apologies, I cannot stand up to salute physically.
In regard to your query, thank god…sorry, thank your Majesty, I am feeling much better now, just suffering some subtle pains associated with fever.
Q: The honour is mine. You did a good job as the Prime Minister during this unprecedented epidemic. I hope you will recover soon, like my little Charlie. It was just a little shocking to hear that you were actually admitted to ICU in the first place.
B: Your Majesty, frankly speaking, the 3 days I spent there was the most embarrassing moment since I was stuck in the air during the Olympic Games in 2012. But please do not worry, as the papers said, it was just precautionary.
Q: Boris, I am 93, turning 94 in 10 days if you may recall. That's my age, not my IQ. I know what an ICU is.
B: (Coughing) Sorry, your Majesty, I meant no offence. As far as I am concerned, I just did not wish to make you worry or the public panic.
My first day at ICU was exhausting but thanks to our NHS staff who did a great job in saving my life, I can walk a bit now. I can't thank them enough. I owe them my life.
Q: Fair enough, I anticipated that. Thanks for your integrity, at least in front of me.
Speaking of the public, I did feel I have to deliver my fifth televised address to the whole nation regarding the epidemic. Hope that will not be seen as me overriding the cabinet too far?
B: Absolutely not! Your Majesty, thanks to the advance of modern technology, your speech was well received even at ICU, although I could hardly open my eyes. It was so reassuring to hear your Majesty's voice and the speech itself was more than splendid and encouraging. It was perfectly legitimate, I would say.
When I am back in the office, I would strongly recommend the Nobel Committee to nominate your Majesty for the next Nobel peace prize!
Q: Don't worry about that. The priority for the time being is to fight the virus and save more lives, given that our NHS is being overwhelmed.
A tiny speech is the least thing I can do for the country.
B: No! Your Majesty's voice is never trivial! People, like me, adore you for eternity. Your speech is as important during the epidemic as King George VI, his Majesty's during the World War II.
Q: How old are you，again?
B: I'm 55, your Grace, turning 56 in June.
Q: That's quite impressive. Nowadays, there are people who can still recall my Father's name and what he did.
B: (Coughing) Please allow me to kindly introduce myself again, your Majesty. I graduated from Balliol College at Oxford University. And I was studying English Literature there, which makes me quite interested in history naturally.
Q: Well, it's not history yet. As my father's daughter, is still here talking to you now.
By the way, what's in your mind as to the steps to fight the virus going forward?
B: Oh, yeah, as far as I know, the lockdown is being implemented more successfully than days ago. People gradually become more aware of the importance of staying at home and wearing face masks outdoor. There were fewer reports on attacks regarding Chinese students wearing masks.
As an official remedial step, orders have been made to China, which obviously has been doing an incredible job so far in terms of fighting the virus. My colleagues and I will continue to make sure that we are going in the right direction too.
Having said that, I know your Majesty may laugh, but I do think, even under today’s circumstances, I contributed slightly in an unique way too, by being the first world leader to contract the coronavirus. Presumably, that should give the United Kingdom a bit more global exposure in the epidemic, which I am proud of. Of course, I mean the propaganda, not the disease…
Oh, apologies, I mean, the first PM to contract the virus, not the first leader…
Q: That’s alright, darling. I do appreciate your job in light of your spirit of self-sacrifice.
When talking about China, you sound more courteous than what I've heard. I noted some of you call their help as 'predatory aid'. Speaking of which, I hope our friends in the far east would not be furious at me about this term when I next meet my counterpart there.
B: With all due respect, your Majesty, I was not involved in any of this. My best guess would be that someone from the Labour Party is manipulating this argument.
Nevertheless, I think it is vital to keep our own voice apparent in this challenging pandemic period. In this way, we could at least maintain our national image to some extent.
For example, at least now people know that it’s the Britons who invented herd immunity to fight the virus, making us the nation with the best imagination, not the US or China.
Q: I see your point here, Boris. I have to admit I thought you were just following your professional habits developed at The Times.
By the way, just for curiosity, did Mr Trump call you eventually?
B: Your Majesty, I swear things about me at The Times were absolute rumours!
As regarding your query, yes, he delivered his greetings along with his stereotypical waffling the other day.
Q: Did he deliver any particular aid?
B: Yes, your Majesty, I guess so. Shortly following his call, some men in black appeared at my ICU with their specific medicine.
Q: You mean the CIA？
B: Yes, your Grace.
Q: Did you take the pills straight away? I understand they are still on trial.
B: Yeah… All I desire was to get back to the Downing Street as soon as possible so I had to give it a try. Our NHS medics gave me some plasma simultaneously too, which made it a bit confusing as to which actually cured my body.
Q: Oh, it sounds to me like having a long shot. Did you not get Matt to test the pills in the first instance?
B: Well, your Majesty, as you may be aware, Matt himself had tested positive and is working from home now. It could be too troublesome to bother him.
I assume our conflicts with George Washington was way back? I trust we are a very important ally of the Americans for the time being. Moreover, I’d rather not go too far in becoming a vampire so I took the pills anyway to show Trump I was cool.
Q: Fair enough. Indeed, the Americans do sometimes appear to be too busy to memorise history. Hope no one there recalls we once burned the White House, oh, actually the House before White House.
B: Please don’t worry, your Majesty. No one had ever mentioned this during my time in New York years ago. They just kept saying I look like Donald Trump, which did embarrass me a lot.
I assume most people have noted that our history books have been respecting the fact that Washington was the Father of the United States.
Q: No, you don’t believe that. It’s Louis XVI, who was the Father of the United States. The Americans would never have defeated us without the French help. My grandfather often talked me through this in a lullaby when I was a teenage girl.
B: Sure, you are absolutely right, your Grace.
Q: I found it quite funny though, people chattering about things that you two have in common.
B: (Coughing) To be honest, I’d rather not be seen as a Trump’s copy. Unfortunately, we do have similar hairstyle but having blond hair is not my fault. Apart from this, I don’t see any similarities between myself and him.
I would probably perceive myself as having a freer style, not just in the sense of giving speech. As you may recall, I did risk myself parachuting to cheer London while others were attending void meetings, regardless of the little accident.
Q: You have a little girlfriend, right? If I remember correctly, she’s 24 years younger than you, Boris?
B: Yes, your Majesty. If I may, can I ask where did your Majesty get that from?
Q: Well, although I stay at the Palace most of the time, the MI6 does brief me on a random basis, where appropriate. Furthermore, the agents told me Mr Trump is also 24 years elder than his wife. Is this some kind of coincidence as well?
B: Forgive me, your Grace. I was not aware of that. I would say it is indeed a coincidence.
Q: It’s alright. It’s actually not quite the same anyway. They are married, whereas Carrie is your girlfriend as far as I know.
I understand your birthday is in June. You are a Gemini then?
B: Yes, I am a late Gemini, your Majesty. But I have to say I don’t see myself as a playboy, which people may perceive a Gemini to be. Actually, I am making efforts in order for the pursuit of upgrading my girlfriend to my fiancée. But it’s not only up to me.
Q: It’s all your personal matters and no one else should have a say about it. I just wish you will get settled down very soon and be able to focus more on your occupation.
Speaking of which, let us get back to your work in progress. What about Brexit? Is it still ongoing?
B: Of course, your Majesty. (Coughing) Although my body is not in its best state, but as our national anthem ‘Jerusalem’ sings, I will not cease from mental fight.
Please be assured our independence from the European Union will be achieved punctually as promised. I have requested my secretaries to make it happen as their first priority. Otherwise, your Majesty have my words, I will resign on principle.
Q: That sounds promising. What about our own independence issue?
B: I assume you are talking about the Scots, your Majesty? Please do not be concerned. The last vote turned out to be in favour of England. Not to mention that, the modern William Wallace is busy with enjoying being an influencer or recording Tik Tok. There are no risks of split at all.
Q: Thanks, Boris, for everything. I think that’s all for today, I found our chat very constructive. I wish I could stay longer but my chauffeur is waiting for me.
I should be grateful if you would have a good rest at your mansion in the country. Do not worry too much about work. Dominic seems to be a good lad to babysit for you and my family does like him.
It’s always glad to see young and robust people taking over.
I have to realise that I have had my time and we all have had our time. But, as I said to the nation in my speech, better days will return.
I see you (ICU) around, darling.
B: See…you…Your Grace…(Coughing)